September, Suicide Prevention Month
Suicide has impacted our UUSRF community in the past. Perhaps most recently was the death by suicide of Jens Gunnelson’s son-in-law. His daughter Jordan wrote beautifully of her husband’s suicide. It covers feelings of guilt and includes a plea.
*Trigger warning*
I’ve had so many people ask me about Max’s death. It’s only taken me half of a decade to share.
The end of my love story…
A little over five years ago, my late husband and I got into an argument at our son’s first birthday party over his chronic drinking. It wasn’t unlike other heated conversations we’d had over the years. His addiction to alcohol started years before I entered the picture, but being the person I am, I genuinely believed I could support him in overcoming his addiction and we could live happily ever after.
I loved Max more than I had ever loved another man…when he was sober. I threatened to leave time and time again, but we both knew they were empty threats. I was invested in us, in our family. He was too, but didn’t know how to conquer his addiction. I only doubted his love for me when he drank. He’d say things that were out of character for him, which almost always ended up with me in tears. I didn’t touch alcohol for four years because I wanted to be a good role model for him. All I wanted was for him to get support.
He wanted help, but was too proud to show others weakness. Instead, he took a devastating route. After arguing at our son’s party over obvious signs of him drinking, he took off in his car with my car keys. He called me multiple times, but I was too hot to answer. When I finally spoke with him, he kept repeating, “Are you leaving me? Yes or no?”. I wouldn’t answer him. All I was focused on was getting my car keys. I knew we’d have to talk, but I was hell bent on waiting until he was sober. I never got that opportunity. Max drove home, retrieved his Glock and shot himself in our garage. It wasn’t until days later that I received his phone and saw his last unsent text to me. In so many words, it read that he wouldn’t have done what he did had it had it not been for me.
Max’s death weighed heavily on me for a long time. I blamed myself for not being there for him when he needed me the most. Once I truly began to heal, it quickly became apparent that I was not at fault. He knew it too. His last text wasn’t him. It was the alcohol. His demons were beyond any unconditional love I provided him. I know I was his brightest light and that alone gives me some peace.
September is National Suicide Prevention Month, a time to raise awareness, spread hope, and share resources to help prevent suicide. Suicide remains a leading cause of death worldwide, affecting people of all ages and backgrounds. The month serves as a reminder that mental health is as important as physical health and that struggling individuals deserve care, empathy, and support.
Throughout September, organizations, communities, and individuals come together to promote open conversations about mental health, recognize warning signs, and encourage those in need to seek help. By increasing awareness and understanding, we can reduce the stigma associated with mental health issues and empower people to reach out for support.
If you or someone you know is in crisis, it’s important to know that help is available. The Suicide & Crisis Lifeline at 988 provides confidential support 24/7. Together, we can work toward a world where no one feels alone in their struggles.